Our early experiences shape the way we love, trust, and connect. But what happens when those experiences include trauma?
We are all born with something called an attachment system. This system, which forms throughout our childhood, teaches us to seek safety and connection in relationships. When it develops in healthy circumstances, it helps us feel secure in relationships AND it helps us learn we are okay on our own.
Unfortunately, if trauma occurs in our early years, the attachment system forms differently; it can lead to patterns of mistrust, fear of abandonment and emotional withdrawal or reactivity. These responses can carry over in to our adult relationships and lead to struggles in our relationships. Add that to the knowledge that the other member(s) of the relationship also have their own struggles, difficulties and pieces to work on, and we can see how trauma can certainly impact relationships!
Thankfully, couples therapy that is trauma-informed can be a great place to work on the relationship and heal in a way that honours and understands the attachment system’s responses.
When trauma occurs in our early years, the attachment system forms differently; it can lead to patterns of mistrust, fear of abandonment, and emotional withdrawal or reactivity. These responses can carry over into our adult relationships and lead to struggles.
Understanding Trauma’s Impact on Relationships
Let’s start this section with a story, then use it to better understand trauma and relationships.
Becky experienced trauma as a young child. Her parents were both physically present but they never showed her any care, love or attention that wasn’t mandatory to keep her alive. We call this emotional neglect and it’s definitely a function of trauma. Becky learnt two things from this upbringing: 1. She couldn’t trust other’s to be there for her and she had to take care of herself and 2. She learnt that she isn’t good enough to be worthy of a healthy relationship.
Now let me be clear: this isn’t the truth. Of course Becky is worthy of a healthy relationship and of course others can be there for her. But her attachment system learnt that other’s are not there and, with a child’s brain, she took this to mean it was her fault, because she wasn’t worthy.
Let’s fast-forward and pretend now that Becky is 32. She’s been dating someone for a few years and they live together. Becky and her partner, let’s call them Sam, fight a lot.Looking at Becky’s history we can understand that her trauma is part of the struggle in the relationship (let’s remember that Sam also comes to the relationship with their own history and ways of being; we’re just focussed on Becky right now). Because Becky believes that Sam will never be there for her, we can imagine how she might push Sam out even when she wants closeness more than she can explain. Because she doesn’t believe she is worthy of a good relationship, we can imagine how she might struggle to accept the kind things Sam does for her and run from the relationship at times. This can also lead to really intense strong emotions about abandonment and need, which can make it tricky to talk through tough topics and have productive conversations.
Remembering that Sam has their own history and pain too, we can understand how trauma really can make relationships tricky.
Common Challenges Trauma-Survivors Face in Relationships
Now that we have a story to help us understand, let’s explore some common challenges we see in couples where one (or all!) partners have experienced trauma:
A struggle communicating needs. Often, trauma survivors learn there’s no point in speaking up; history has taught them they’ll be ignored, invalidated or bullied for what they share, so they learn to keep quiet.
Experiencing strong emotions and a difficulty managing those emotions. By definition, trauma means that we have experiences in our past where we had big emotional experiences that we couldn’t cope with. Now, you may. Find that things trigger, or bring back up, those past emotional experiences and just like back then, you don’t know how to cope with them in the present.
Difficulty trusting or feeling secure in a partnership. If you grew up in a household that taught you that people weren’t safe and couldn’t be trusted, it makes sense that you would continue to believe that in to adulthood.
Fear of vulnerability leading to emotional distance and being “closed off”. You may have learnt that one way to keep yourself safe was to prevent vulnerability. If people don’t know your “soft spots” it’s harder for them to hurt you.
Using control to cope. Sometimes, we respond to trauma by controlling our environment in an attempt to make sure bad things don’t happen anymore. Unfortunately, this can be a tricky dynamic in a relationship as the other person might want to try doing things one way and you may not feel safe doing it like that.
People pleasing and ignoring your own needs. You may have learnt that you could stay safe in traumatic situations by “fawning” or letting others have what they want, at the expense of your own needs. This can often lead to resentment though when you never get your needs met in a relationship.
Difficulty navigating triggers and misunderstandings with a partner. If you’ve never had a model to show you how to navigate tough moments and misunderstandings with a partner, it can be tough to figure out how to handle them!
Needing frequent reassurance and never feeling secure in the relationship. If you were raised in a way that didn’t lead to a solid “foundation” of love, you might struggle to feel solid in your relationship, regardless of what your partner does or does not do! You may need more reassurance than they do to trust that the relationship is solid.
How Trauma-Informed Couples Therapy Can Help
If a therapist doesn’t understand how you and your partner(s) trauma may be showing up in the relationship, it’s going to be tricky to get to the root of the concerns and work through them. Effective trauma-informed therapy does two things:
Understands that trauma is often at the cause of the struggles that folks experience
Works with the trauma to help healing happen, rather than trying ot pretend it’s not there or push through it.
If you have a history of trauma, you should feel like it’s been seen and brought in to conversations in couple’s therapy, rather than something that is dismissed or brushed over.
Trauma-informed couples therapy understands that trauma is often at the root of struggles in relationships and works with the trauma to help healing happen, rather than pretending it’s not there or pushing through it.
What trauma-informed couples therapy looks like:
Trauma-informed couples therapy focuses on creating a safe and empathetic environment, where the pace is intentionally slowed down to support both partners. It incorporates techniques that prioritize emotional regulation, such as grounding and co-regulation exercises, to help manage overwhelming feelings. The therapy also emphasizes exploring the root causes of issues within the relationship, often connecting them to past traumatic experiences. Additionally, it draws on attachment theory to understand how early life experiences influence the ways partners interact and relate to one another in the present.
What does this really look like in a session? It’s going to go at your pace, helping to take time to fully flush out the issues and concerns that you bring oto the room. The therapist is likely going to give you some tangible tools to help make things better right now, which will likely focus on tools that help you stay grounded and calm as a couple. And, it’s going to take a bit of time. When trauma is involved, change can be a little slower. So expect that the work isn’t going to happen immediately, but that doesn’t you wont start feeling positive shifts quickly!
Trauma-informed couples therapy focuses on creating a safe and empathetic environment, where the pace is intentionally slowed down to support both partners.
Trauma-Informed Kamloops Couples Counselling
If you are looking for couples therapy in Kamloops or online in BC, Chantelle is ready to help! With a deep understanding of trauma and how it shows up in relationships, Chantelle is trauma-informed and ready to support you in navigating the complexity relationships. Book now!
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