Understanding Counselling for Your Child: A guide for parents who are considering counselling

Choosing counselling for your child can bring up a lot of questions. You may be wondering what will actually happen in sessions, whether your child will talk to a stranger, whether counselling will make things worse, or whether your child even needs counselling in the first place.

Those questions are completely understandable.

Counselling is not about finding something "wrong" with your child. It is about giving them a safe, supportive space to understand what they are experiencing, develop skills to cope with difficult emotions, and have a trusted adult help them make sense of things that may feel confusing or overwhelming.

This guide explains what you and your child can expect from the counselling process.

What does children's counselling actually look like?

Counselling with children often looks quite different from counselling with adults.

A child may not sit in a chair and talk about their feelings for an entire session. Depending on their age, personality, needs, and the reason they are coming to counselling, they might:

• Play

• Draw or create art

• Use toys, puppets, or games

• Tell stories

• Build things

• Talk while doing an activity

• Learn relaxation or emotional regulation skills

• Practice ways to communicate their feelings

• Talk directly about something that has happened

• Simply spend time getting comfortable with the counsellor

These activities are not "just playing." Children often communicate and process experiences through play and other activities in ways that are developmentally appropriate for them.

For some children, it is much easier to show a counsellor what they are experiencing than to explain it with words.

What happens in the first session?

The first session is usually about getting to know each other and building safety.

Your child does not need to arrive knowing what to say.

The counsellor will spend time learning about your child, their strengths, interests, relationships, and what has been happening in their life. They will also begin getting to know how your child communicates and what helps them feel comfortable.

Depending on your child's age and the circumstances, there may also be some time spent speaking with you as the parent/guardian.

The counsellor may ask questions about:

• What brought you to counselling

• What you have noticed at home or school

• Your child's strengths and interests

• Changes you have noticed in your child's behaviour or emotions

• Family and social relationships

• What you hope counselling will help with

You do not need to have all the answers; your child’s counsellor will be able to learn a lot through how your child plays, and what they choose to share and not share. 

What if my child doesn't want to talk?

This is one of the most common concerns parents have.

Your child does not have to sit down and immediately talk about their problems.

In fact, many children need time before they feel comfortable enough to talk about difficult things.

Building a trusting relationship is an important part of counselling. The counsellor's job is not to force your child to disclose things before they are ready.

Instead, the counsellor will look for ways to help your child feel safe, respected, and in control of the process.

Sometimes a child who initially says, "I don't want to talk," will gradually begin communicating once they realize that counselling is a place where they won't be judged, punished, or pressured.

Why does the counsellor sometimes use play or activities?

Children's brains and communication skills are still developing.

Adults often process experiences primarily through language. Children may rely much more heavily on play, imagination, movement, drawing, stories, and other forms of expression.

Play can help children:

• Express emotions

• Explore difficult experiences

• Practice new skills

• Make sense of confusing situations

• Develop a sense of control

• Experiment with different solutions

• Communicate things they don't yet have words for

• Build confidence and emotional awareness

A counsellor may therefore use play or activities intentionally as part of the therapeutic process.

Will counselling make my child focus more on the problem?

It is understandable to worry that talking about something difficult might make your child think about it more.

A good therapeutic process does not involve repeatedly making a child relive difficult experiences without purpose.

Counselling is generally paced according to the child's needs and capacity.

Before doing deeper therapeutic work, the counsellor may focus on helping your child develop a sense of safety and skills for managing difficult emotions.

Depending on what your child is experiencing, counselling may include learning about:

• Emotions and how they work

• Stress responses

• The connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviours

• How the body responds to stress

• Coping and regulation skills

• Boundaries

• Communication

• Relationships

• Self-esteem and self-compassion

The goal is not simply to talk about difficult things. The goal is to help your child feel and function better.

What role does the parent play?

Parents are an important part of a child's support system.

At the same time, children often benefit from having a therapeutic space that feels separate from their relationship with their parent.

This means you may not be present for every part of every session.

Your counsellor may check in with you periodically to discuss general progress, provide psychoeducation, and talk about ways you can support your child outside of counselling.

The amount of parent involvement depends on your child's age, needs, treatment goals, and the therapeutic approach being used.

You are not expected to become your child's therapist.

Your role is to continue being their parent while the counsellor provides additional support.

What about confidentiality?

Children need to know that counselling is a place where they can speak honestly.

For that reason, counsellors generally do not repeat everything a child says to their parent.

This does not mean parents are left completely in the dark.

The counsellor can usually provide parents with information about general themes, progress, skills being worked on, and ways to support their child without sharing every private detail.

There are also important limits to confidentiality. If a counsellor becomes concerned about a child's safety or the safety of another person, they may need to take steps to protect the child or others.

Your counsellor will explain confidentiality and its limits at the beginning of counselling so that both you and your child understand what to expect.

Does my child need to have a diagnosis?

No.

Counselling is not only for children with a mental health diagnosis.

Children may benefit from counselling when they are experiencing things such as:

• Big changes or transitions

• Grief or loss

• Anxiety or worry

• Difficult emotions

• Behavioural changes

• Friendship or relationship difficulties

• Family changes

• School difficulties

• Stress

• Trauma or frightening experiences

• Problems with self-esteem

• Difficulty managing emotions

• Challenges communicating their needs

Sometimes counselling is simply an opportunity for a child to have additional support during a difficult period.

How does counselling actually help?

When children experience stress or difficult events, their brains and bodies can respond in ways that affect emotions, behaviour, relationships, sleep, concentration, and their sense of safety.

Counselling can help children understand these responses rather than seeing them as evidence that something is wrong with them.

For example, a child who is frequently angry may not simply be "an angry child." Anger can sometimes be the outward expression of fear, sadness, overwhelm, frustration, or a nervous system that is frequently activated.

Counselling can help a child learn:

"What is happening to me?"

rather than:

"What's wrong with me?"

Over time, children can develop greater emotional awareness, coping skills, confidence, and a sense of safety and control.

How long will my child need counselling?

There is no universal number of sessions.

Some children benefit from a relatively short period of counselling focused on a specific concern. Others may need longer-term support, particularly when they are dealing with more complex or longstanding experiences.

Counselling is not intended to continue indefinitely without purpose.

The counsellor should regularly consider whether the current approach is helping and whether the treatment goals are still appropriate.

Sometimes the best outcome is that a child develops the skills and support they need and no longer requires regular counselling.

Common Parent Concerns

"What if my child says something about me?"

Your child may talk about their relationships and experiences, including things that involve their parents. This is not necessarily a sign that someone has done something wrong.

Counselling provides children with a space to express their experiences and feelings honestly.

The counsellor's role is not to automatically take sides. Their role is to understand the child's experience and support their wellbeing.

"What if my child doesn't like the counsellor?"

The relationship between a child and counsellor matters.

Not every counsellor is the right fit for every child. It is okay if it takes some time to find the right fit, and it is okay to talk openly with the counsellor if something doesn't feel right.

"What if counselling changes my child?"

Counselling is not intended to change who your child is.

The goal is not to make a child quieter, more compliant, or easier for adults to manage.

Instead, counselling aims to help children understand themselves, develop skills, feel safer, and have more choices in how they respond to difficult situations.

"What if my child doesn't need counselling?"

You don't have to be completely certain that counselling is necessary before reaching out.

An initial consultation can be an opportunity to talk with a counsellor about what you have noticed and determine whether counselling seems appropriate.

Seeking information is not the same as committing to long-term therapy.

How Can I Help My Child?

One of the most helpful things you can do is communicate that counselling is not a punishment.

Try to avoid saying things like:

"You're going to counselling because you're having problems."

Instead, you might say:

"You've been dealing with some really big feelings lately, and we're going to give you another person to talk to who can help."

Or:

"Counselling is a place where you can talk, play, learn some things, and have someone whose job is to help you."

It can also help to avoid pressuring your child to tell you everything that happened in their session.

Instead, you can simply let them know:

"I'm glad you have a place where you can talk about things."

A Final Note for Parents

It is normal to feel uncertain about counselling.

As a parent, you want to protect your child, and deciding to involve someone else in their emotional wellbeing can feel like a big step.

You do not have to know exactly what your child needs before starting.

Counselling is a collaborative process. The counsellor, child, and parent can work together to understand what is happening and determine what kind of support is most helpful.

Most importantly, your child does not need to be "broken" or "sick" to benefit from having someone in their corner.

Sometimes counselling is simply a safe place for a child to be understood, supported, and given the tools to navigate something difficult.

And sometimes, having that support at the right time can make a significant difference.

Questions are welcome. If you are unsure whether counselling is the right fit for your child, you are welcome to discuss your concerns with the counsellor before making a decision about ongoing counselling. We can be reached via e-mail at hello@wellmind.ca or via phone at 250-572-2324